hard conversations α 1/(difficult conversations)

I was trying to say, in the title, that the number of hard conversations (conversations that result in someone being hurt or some significant life change or significant relationship change happening--usually negative) are inversely proportional to the number of difficult conversations (having to talk about the elephant in the room, or showing "how much you care", where behavior is "called out" so that positive change can occur. "Is it just me, or is the emperor not wearing any clothes?") aka "come to Jesus" meeting that you are willing or able to have.

Side note: The symbol for inversely proportional (that's an alpha symbol) is the same for proportional? For inversely proportional, you just have to put one over one side or the other? HUH!

John Maxwell, in the 360 degree leader, illustrates the difficult conversation with an example of a manager who took someone under his leadership and explained that odd personal ticks (he hummed and sat on his hands--literally-- when under stress) were holding him back. Wha-la, once the employee realized this, he quit doing it and was on his way to success.

Now, I haven't had the chance to have a difficult conversation that ended up in the quick fix of Mr. Maxwell's example. I have have had conversations in which the person I engaged basically said (not in so many words): "Well I don't hum...or sit on my hands: and if I do, so what? You're just out to get me."

I even have had a colleague describe these types of conversations as "blowing their cover", so they no longer will make eye contact with you, or basically acknowledge that you exist. They move on, or just have a permanent "personality conflict" with you moving forward.

Dan McCarthy, in this blog post, writes about difficult conversations, good and bad, he wishes he could have with folks who were doing very well or very poorly in the work place. It makes you wonder, if you could have these types of conversations, in how many cases could a hard conversation be spared?

Are we prepared for the difficult conversations? Have we amassed the social capital necessary?

Are the difficult conversations that lead to hard conversations just as valuable as the difficult conversations that stave off the hard ones?

My "go to" difficult conversation: "Things don't seem to be going as I think they should in our area of ministry together. What is your thinking on this? What are a couple things I could do or do better to make this thing more faithful to our mission?"

And please, don't be afraid to have a difficult conversation with me.